Feeling Very Determined

I think all of us experience varying levels of motivation at different times in our lives. I am currently enjoying that feeling of being very motivated. I feel like controlling my food intake and exercising are the most enjoyable things ever right now. I do realize though that I could feel completely different next week. I have at least 50 pounds to lose and it's not going to happen in a few weeks. So the important thing for me will be to stay motivated and be patient even during the weeks my weight loss slows or comes to a stop.

Today was another great day. My calories came in at 1380, I drank all of my water, and I went for about a 30 minute bike ride right after work. I am really looking forward to developing some lower body strength because this bike riding thing is tough. It's very weird for me because 10 years ago, I thought bike riding was easy. What the hell happened?? I took my bike on my car to a limestone trail tonight that is flat and I was still struggling. I was so happy to get back to my car. I know if I keep working at it, it will get easier but it's very disheartening for me right now.

Today's food:

A Bike Ride and Day 2 of Calorie Counting

Today was a great day! I went against my own rule and stepped on the scale again today and I was 175.5, down 1/2 pound from yesterday. I am going to try and stick to weekly weighing though because I don't deal with those little daily fluctuations well. I spent a lot of time logging all of my food in CRON-O-METER today. It's a free download and I believe is intended for people following extremely restricted diets in an effort to prolong their life (way past 100!). It tracks every calorie and micronutrient. It took a lot of time for me to do today because I eat a lot of multi-ingredient foods. My daily smoothie for example includes a mixture of water, spinach, flax seeds, green tea leaves, apple, blueberries and cranberries. I did it for one day because I was interested in tracking more than just calories and seeing were I was at nutritionally. I came out very well with vitamins, minerals. fiber, omega-3, etc. Way too much work though to do every day. 

My calories came in at 1340 which is a little lower than where I would like to be. I am hoping that I can lose about 2 pounds per week at around 1400-1500 calories. Today's food is below:



I went out for a bike ride today which was not easy for me to do. I bought a new bike the beginning of April and this is only the third time I have ridden it. I know it's just temporary, but I'm really self conscious riding it on the streets around here. At my current fitness level, I struggle to make it up even not very big hills. My face was so red when I got home today that my neighbor thought I had a bad sunburn, lol. What I need to do is load the bike on the back of my car and take it to one of the trails around here. They are fairly flat and then I can ride longer to start building some strength and endurance. I really have to start worrying less about what people think of me!

I CAN Do This - Tracking My Food

Now that I'm confident that I really am a nonsmoker and not just gritting my teeth trying to get through a day without it, I can focus on the next thing - losing 50-60 pounds. I haven't always been as overweight as I am now. Funny thing, almost all of this weight gain happened over the years that I was trying to quit smoking. Even more funny, I originally started smoking before my senior of high school to lose 5 pounds. Please. 5 pounds?! This was the beginning of thirty years of an addiction that was on it's way toward killing me. Chronic bronchitis and asthma which led to 2 hospitalizations. I repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly would try to quit, only to pack on a few more pounds and end up smoking again. One time was different though. I quit smoking and imediately started tracking my calories and staying around 1200 per day. After about three months, I had lost about 30 pounds. So, I know it can be done. In some ways, I think it makes it easier because all of the tracking of calories, weight and exercise takes some of the focus away from the smoking cessation. So, here I am again. I'm going back to what I know works. Exercise and controlling my food intake.

Today was a great start! My weight this morning was 176, pretty much what it's been for the last six months. I'm going to weigh myself weekly because I know how obsessed I get when I weigh every day. I am going to record my food on this blog every day not because I think anyone is interested, but so I can hold myself accountable.

This is an ideal day for me. I know that I have a lot more snacks in the evening than a lot of people, but this is the worst day part for me. By planning ahead what I'm going to eat in the evening, I'm hoping to avoid unplanned binges. Yay for a successful day 1!

Moving the Focus From Not Smoking to Healthy and Controlled Eating

Okay, it's now been 16 days of not smoking. The last two days have probably been the toughest because I've had to deal with some weird cravings. I'm not surprised, I'm a veteran at quitting smoking and I have experienced this before. Just when you think all is good and you've beaten the addiction, out of the blue comes that voice from within with all sorts of reasons why it would be okay to smoke. I can handle it this time because I don't want to go back there. #1 - I can't afford to smoke, #2 - My cough is gone and I don't want it back, #3 - I don't want to disappoint my family and friends, #4 - I just don't want to be a smoker. Over the last 16 days, I have started each day out with good intentions of keeping my eating healthy and under 1500 calories. Really didn't happen. Every day, I would do great until after dinner. Then all hell broke loose. Today has been fairly good, but I haven't added up the calories:

Breakfast 
Coffee with milk
Whole Grain Toast with Reduced Fat Peanut Butter - 2 slices

Snack
Raw, Unsalted Nuts - 1 oz

Lunch
Reduced Sodium Deli Turkey Sandwich on Whole Wheat with Lettuce and Mayo
Organic Blue Corn Tortilla Chips with Flax Seeds
Fresh Organic Strawberries

Dinner
Wine (Cabernet)
Brown Rice
Chicken, Broccoli, Pearl Onion Stir Fry with Thai Peanut Sauce

Snack
Frozen Organic Raspberries (an entire small bag!)

Just like every night, after dinner I really started craving something sweet. I didn't have anything here. I thought about going to the store, but told myself if I could just get through one day without blowing it, I would feel good about staying in control. Once I get control of my eating and get a few good days under me, I find it easy to stay there. I am such an "all or nothing" person and always have been. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself and start logging calories, exercise and water intake. I want to lose this weight so bad.

Facing Life As A Nonsmoker

I quit smoking on April 28 so it's been 13 days! I'm now cutting a 21mg nicotine patch in half and wearing it from 7:00 am until I go to bed. Mainly so that I don't snap at someone at work or sit at my desk in a confused nicotine withdrawal haze. I have to say that it hasn't been too tough this time even taking into consideration that the stress has been higher than normal with a new job.

I don't think I've gained any weight over the last two weeks, but I certainly haven't lost any either. I do great until after dinner and then I start looking for something to snack on. Now that I feel I've conquered the smoking demon, I'm going to start focusing on eliminating the after dinner snacking and increasing my water intake.

I also need to get into a regular exercise routine. I've been walking on the weekends, but I need to do something during the week. I'd like to start getting up a little earlier and getting my lazy butt on my eliptical before work or if it's nice, walking or biking after work.

Overall, I'm very happy to be free from the smoking. My scary cough is gone and I'm no longer wheezing. And of course I'm very happy not to be spending $4.50 per day on cigarettes. Now if I can just get my act together and get rid of 50 pounds, I'll be a lot happier.

Last weekend, something came up that caught me off guard emotionally and I have to say ever since then, I randomly have thoughts about smoking to calm (or numb) my emotions. So far I have been able to push the temptation away and just deal with the emotions.

About four years ago, I dated a guy for a few months who had recently broken up a long term relationship. Yes, he was on the rebound. He ended up getting back together with her, but we remained on friendly terms and would talk occasionally on the phone. I usually didn't initiate the contact, he would just call out of the blue once in awhile. They finally got married last spring and he continues to call me every few months. Once in awhile, he would mention "stopping by" to see my new place, etc. and I would always say, "No". Absolutely No. So although we continued to talk once in awhile, I hadn't seen him since we stopped dating.

Last Saturday, he caught me off guard. The phone rang, I was expecting it to be my daughter, and it was him. He said he was playing golf and should stop by when he was done. Just as I have always done, I said, "No". But when he then suggested meeting in a restaurant, I agreed this time. I was not prepared for what this did to my emotions.We met in a restaurant, sat there for about an hour, went for a walk, then stood by our cars chatting for about 30 minutes, hugged each other and drove off to our separate lives. That was four days ago and I am still trying to stop thinking about him. Damn. This is where I start to think about smoking because I have always used smoking as a way to numb myself from unpleasant emotions. I guess I also use food the same way sometimes. The weird thing is that I didn't even realize I still had feelings for this man until Saturday. I'm still trying to sort all of this out and so far I haven't used it as an excuse to smoke again.I need to remind myself that the emotions will fade on their own over time, even without smoking.

An Answered Prayer

Sometimes we really don't realize just how bad things were until they get better. It is no surprise that the last year has been tough for me, but I thought I had handled losing my job pretty well. I had lined up a part-time job before being laid off, created a budget, stayed current with my bills, and tried to stay positive as I searched for a new job. But I also had started smoking again even though I knew it created serious problems with my lungs. I quit exercising and told myself lifting heavy items and bagging people's groceries as a cashier was enough. I'd spend a great majority of my free time just sitting at my computer. It became more and more difficult for me to get things done at home. I became more and more dependent on escaping to my balcony to smoke even though it had started robbing me of my health. I would go to bed at night wheezing and coughing and get up in the morning in even worse shape. Occasionally, I would realize that I was slipping into a depression, but without insurance felt helpless to do anything about it. The worst thing of all was the smoking. I knew it was killing me but I felt so helpless to do anything about it.

On Wednesday, April 28, my daughter came over for dinner. When she left, I went out to my balcony to smoke. I had 2 cigarettes left. I smoked them and decided in an instant that I was going to quit again. It was not a happy decision. I was full of fear and knew that there was a very good chance I would change my mind by the next morning. As I laid in bed before falling asleep, I began to plead with God to give me strength to do this. I remember saying over and over, "Please help me Lord".

The next morning, I got up and made coffee as I always do. But instead of going out to the balcony with my coffee to smoke, I put on a nicotine patch and sat down at my computer with my coffee. I felt happy and at peace. When I came home from work that night and felt that same sense of peace, I knew that my prayer had been answered.

I am now into my fourth day of not smoking. That in itself is wonderful. The burning and wheezing in my lungs is gone. The cough is getting better every day as my lungs begin to heal. But what is even more amazing is how I feel mentally. I feel like my spirit has been renewed. Now, as I lay in bed before falling asleep, my prayer is one of thanks.

I'm loving my new full-time job and just working Monday through Friday. It was difficult to leave my part-time job because it was so important to me over the last year and they were so good to me. It's been so long since I had a weekend off and I'm loving every minute of it. Yesterday, I went out for a 1-1/2 hour walk and it was wonderful! I used to walk a lot but stopped when I started the cashier job. Below is a picture I took on my walk.

Today, I'm going to buy flowers for my balcony, clean and get ready for my week. If I have time, I'll take a shorter walk or go for a bike ride. I have to say though that I have some sore muscles from yesterday!

Have a great day!

Feeling thankful, Diana

Back To Work - My First Week

I love my new job and I am very thankful to be back at work in an office! Although I am also very thankful for the part-time job I've had through my entire period of unemployment, cashiering at SuperT... is not how I wanted to spend the rest of my career. I wondered how long it would take me to get back into the swing of things - getting up early, wearing something other than just red and khaki and being challenged mentally. It was a little odd because I started the new job before I had completed my obligation to T..... I worked at the new job Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday I worked at T......, and then I went back to my new job Thursday and Friday. That was weird. I felt like two different people living two different lives. I think I'm really going to enjoy my new position. The people are nice and the work will be very challenging and interesting. I am working for a nationwide brokerage company that represents food lines.

Speaking of food, my diet this past week has been less than ideal. I had a spinach smoothie every morning for breakfast and my lunches weren't bad, but when I got home every night, I had a glass of wine and it went downhill from there. After dinner, I would find myself craving sweets so I ate things like Chocolate Cheerios and Sugar Free Fudgsicles. There was absolutely no tracking of calories. I need to make a plan and follow it. I also need to skip the wine so I can get some exercise in - either walking or a bike ride.

Now to address my other health issue - the smoking. What I've done over the last week could be called, "The Creative Addict", lol. As I got closer to my first day of work and still had not been able to successfully quit smoking, I began to panic. I felt backed into a corner. I couldn't quit smoking the day before starting a new job because there would be no room for irritability or the fuzzy brain that goes along with it in the beginning. But standing outside the office building smoking several times per day was absolutely not an option either. What to do? I bought a package of T..... brand 21 mg nicotine patches which are less expensive than the major brand. Every morning, I got up and made coffee then headed outside on my balcony a few times to smoke. Then I would shower, put on the patch and head to work. All day, I was fine with the patch and really didn't think about smoking. Mainly because smoking and this job had never been linked. Then I would leave at 4:30 and get in my car and drive home. The very first thing I did when I got home was rip off the patch and yes, head out to the balcony. Each day, I repeated this. Right now it works for me, but this is obviously not an ideal situation. The plan is to get through the first few weeks and then move to having the patch on the entire day without smoking. A smoker will read this and completely get it. An exsmoker will read this and be thankful they're free. A nonsmoker will read this and think I'm crazy. I hope that someday I will read this again and see it all three ways.