There Is A Reason Assume Begins With Ass

I woke up this morning in a much more positive mood. As I drank my morning coffee while on the computer, I decided to send my daughter an email at work thanking her again for bringing me flowers last night. The email she sent me in response was so touching, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

Hi!
You're very welcome! I wanted to remind you of how much I love you and I thought you needed something to brighten up your day. I know how hard this time has been for you and I pray constantly for strength for you to continue pushing forward when it feels almost impossible. It’s so hard to understand why everything is working out this way but I guess the only thing we can do it try to understand that everything happens for a reason and that eventually this will make sense. I also want to tell you that I have never ever seen you as a failure and I hope you do not think that at all. Growing up and seeing your strength and how hard you work has helped me get to where I am today. Just keep doing all that you can and everything will pay off! I love you so much!

These are the things in life that really matter. After my most recent interview resulted in yet another rejection, I really started feeling like a failure. I divorced my husband when my daughter was not even two for reasons to horrible to write about here. I raised her by myself and always worked fulltime. My world has always revolved around her and being able to be self sufficient. She is on her own now, but this past week more than ever, I really started to feel hopeless. I am facing the very real possibility of having to move from my very nice apartment that I just moved into three years ago to a not so very nice apartment that would be half the rent of what I'm paying now. If I don't find a fulltime job by the end of the summer, I'm going to be forced to find a second part-time retail job in addition to the one I have now and work 50-60 hours per week just to make ends meet. I can do that, and will do that if I need to. But while I was worried that she saw me as a failure, she was praying for me to find strength. Lesson learned - sometimes we project our own feelings about ourselves to others, assuming they feel a certain way about us.

I worked until 10:00 tonight and came home to find two more surprises. The first one was a voice mail from a guy friend of mine who was also unemployed until about one month ago. Since he went back to work, we have kind of lost touch, unless I call him. Can you guess where I went with this? I assumed he didn't care because I was always the one calling him. So I didn't call for awhile. And much to my surprise, he called to see how I was doing. After I listened to the voicemail, I sat down at my computer and there was my third surprise.

Two months ago, I sent a resume to a blind job posting on Craigslist. (I do not recommend doing this - most of the postings are scams) This eventually led to a phone interview and it turns out it was for a position at a subsidiary of a company I worked for years ago. The interviewer said she would be back in touch within 1-2 weeks. Two weeks go by and she sends me an email letting me know there is a second position she would also like to consider me for. She asks me to apply on the company website. I call to follow up with her and she says it has to go through HR, etc. and she hoped to get back in touch to schedule an interview. I hear nothing for a very long time so I assume (there's that word again) that I am no longer being considered. Tonight there was an email from her asking if I was still interested in one of the positions, and could I come in for an interview next week.

Three times in one day I am reminded why the word "Assume" begins with "Ass". Before today, I assumed my daughter viewed me as a failure, my friend didn't care and the company no longer was interested. I really need to get a grip on keeping my thoughts more positive.

Finally, today was a good eating day. I started the day off with a spinach and fruit smoothie and made wise choices throughout the day.

A Different Perspective

This past week has been a struggle for me emotionally. In fact, I created this blog when I was at probably the lowest point since I lost my job last year. I have tried to remain positive about my situation. I am certainly not the only person struggling right now and I know things could be a lot worse. When I read my previous posts, I saw a pattern. Do I really want to end my day by posting about how difficult things are every single day??? And does anyone else really want to read about someone who is having a bad day every single day???  This is an online journal and one purpose is for me to externalize some of the crap I'm experiencing and feeling right now. It's not fair for me to dump on my parents, daughter, friends and coworkers. But there has to be a balance. So from now on, even when I am completely discouraged, I am going to find at least one thing to write about every day that made me smile, laugh or reminded me that life is good.

The biggest blessing in my life always has been, and always will be, my beautiful 22-year old daughter, Christi. She graduated from college last May, lived with me until December, and is now working for a great company and living in an apartment with two friends. She stopped over tonight after working out at the club just to get her bike. When I opened the door, she was standing there with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I hope she could see the look of love and joy on my face when she handed them to me.

I'm still unemployed and still chubby. Tomorrow, I will once again search the internet for jobs and struggle with eating healthy,  but I will also be looking for the good things and counting my blessings.

This Is Going To Be A Process

I'm struggling. Somehow, someway, I need to rise above the feeling of failure I find myself enveloped in lately. When I show up at my part-time job and my coworkers ask if I got the job I interviewed for and I say,"No", I can't help but feel like a failure. This scenario has been repeated more than once over the last year. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. But rejection is not easy for me to take. I beat myself up enough and when others join in, well...

Yesterday I had big plans for myself but I just can't seem to pull myself out of this black hole. The latest failure to get the job hit me hard because I was perfectly qualified for the position. And to make it worse, they didn't even have enough respect for me to let me know they selected someone else.

Today, I'm going to be easy on myself and not put expectations out there that I know I'm not capable of. I will try to make smart choices with food and do just a little bit around here before I go to my part-time job for eight hours. Enough so that I know I made some progress.

Maybe the most any of us can expect of ourselves isn't perfection but progress.
~ Michelle Burford

It's All About Choices

Today, I'm going to give myself a good kick in the butt because I deserve it! Yes, there are unfortunate things that have happened to me recently that I have no control over and cannot change. Life is tough right now but I also know it could be a lot worse. I see myself at a crossroad. The road I've been on will lead to helplessness and despair. It's a road of complacency. I know that it's not in my best interest to continue coasting down this road. Today, I choose to take the other road; the road of change! It doesn't have to be drastic. Even if I choose to make a few small changes today, I will be headed in the right direction.

This morning, my weight was 176 pounds. I am only 5' 3" and have a small frame. Ideally, I would like to weigh 115 pounds. Today, I am going to work on self discipline. I'm going to track my calories and keep them between 1200-1500. I'm also going to work on my neglected home which is really showing my emotional state over the last week.

Discipline is remembering what you want.
~ David Campbell

The Last Year

Most of my time and energy over the last year has been directed to my 30 hour per week retail cashier job and looking for a full-time job to replace the one I lost in April 2009. When this first happened, I spent a lot of time figuring out the financial aspects. I decided I would keep my part-time job and collect unemployment, even though 55% of my part-time wages are deducted from my unemployment payments. Even so, that still gives me a little bit more money than just straight unemployment. Not to mention the fact that for that 30 hours per week, I am out of the house and around people. I immediately cut living expenses wherever I could and have been able to stay current with my bills. I absolutely hate collecting unemployment and have tried and tried again to find a fulltime job. I have had more than several interviews for positions that I was very qualified for only to hear, "We have selected another candidate". As time goes on, I am convinced that my age/appearance is directly related. Being almost 51 and 50 pounds overweight is NOT helping me. I have advanced computer and administrative skills, decent interviewing skills, wear a nice suit, and show up smiling and friendly. I always follow up with a professional thank you email. But I don't get the job. The only card I haven't played is the appearance card. This blog is the first step in my preparation to play that card. I am going to lose 50 + pounds through diet and exercise and blog my progress.

The Beginning

Months before I turned fifty, I began to fear losing my job as an administrative assistant. I was making a good salary and although there were things about the job I didn't like, I had learned to overlook them. When I began to have too many sleepless nights worrying about losing my job, I decided to take on an additional part-time job at a well-known large discount retailer. From November of 2008 until the end of April 2009, I was working 55-60 hours per week and saving every penny I earned from my new part-time job. The day they told me my administrative assistant position had been eliminated, which was three days after I turned fifty, I was hurt, but not surprised. Looking back, I had no idea that being over fifty would make it so difficult to find another job.