Feeling Very Determined

I think all of us experience varying levels of motivation at different times in our lives. I am currently enjoying that feeling of being very motivated. I feel like controlling my food intake and exercising are the most enjoyable things ever right now. I do realize though that I could feel completely different next week. I have at least 50 pounds to lose and it's not going to happen in a few weeks. So the important thing for me will be to stay motivated and be patient even during the weeks my weight loss slows or comes to a stop.

Today was another great day. My calories came in at 1380, I drank all of my water, and I went for about a 30 minute bike ride right after work. I am really looking forward to developing some lower body strength because this bike riding thing is tough. It's very weird for me because 10 years ago, I thought bike riding was easy. What the hell happened?? I took my bike on my car to a limestone trail tonight that is flat and I was still struggling. I was so happy to get back to my car. I know if I keep working at it, it will get easier but it's very disheartening for me right now.

Today's food:

A Bike Ride and Day 2 of Calorie Counting

Today was a great day! I went against my own rule and stepped on the scale again today and I was 175.5, down 1/2 pound from yesterday. I am going to try and stick to weekly weighing though because I don't deal with those little daily fluctuations well. I spent a lot of time logging all of my food in CRON-O-METER today. It's a free download and I believe is intended for people following extremely restricted diets in an effort to prolong their life (way past 100!). It tracks every calorie and micronutrient. It took a lot of time for me to do today because I eat a lot of multi-ingredient foods. My daily smoothie for example includes a mixture of water, spinach, flax seeds, green tea leaves, apple, blueberries and cranberries. I did it for one day because I was interested in tracking more than just calories and seeing were I was at nutritionally. I came out very well with vitamins, minerals. fiber, omega-3, etc. Way too much work though to do every day. 

My calories came in at 1340 which is a little lower than where I would like to be. I am hoping that I can lose about 2 pounds per week at around 1400-1500 calories. Today's food is below:



I went out for a bike ride today which was not easy for me to do. I bought a new bike the beginning of April and this is only the third time I have ridden it. I know it's just temporary, but I'm really self conscious riding it on the streets around here. At my current fitness level, I struggle to make it up even not very big hills. My face was so red when I got home today that my neighbor thought I had a bad sunburn, lol. What I need to do is load the bike on the back of my car and take it to one of the trails around here. They are fairly flat and then I can ride longer to start building some strength and endurance. I really have to start worrying less about what people think of me!

I CAN Do This - Tracking My Food

Now that I'm confident that I really am a nonsmoker and not just gritting my teeth trying to get through a day without it, I can focus on the next thing - losing 50-60 pounds. I haven't always been as overweight as I am now. Funny thing, almost all of this weight gain happened over the years that I was trying to quit smoking. Even more funny, I originally started smoking before my senior of high school to lose 5 pounds. Please. 5 pounds?! This was the beginning of thirty years of an addiction that was on it's way toward killing me. Chronic bronchitis and asthma which led to 2 hospitalizations. I repeatedly, and I mean repeatedly would try to quit, only to pack on a few more pounds and end up smoking again. One time was different though. I quit smoking and imediately started tracking my calories and staying around 1200 per day. After about three months, I had lost about 30 pounds. So, I know it can be done. In some ways, I think it makes it easier because all of the tracking of calories, weight and exercise takes some of the focus away from the smoking cessation. So, here I am again. I'm going back to what I know works. Exercise and controlling my food intake.

Today was a great start! My weight this morning was 176, pretty much what it's been for the last six months. I'm going to weigh myself weekly because I know how obsessed I get when I weigh every day. I am going to record my food on this blog every day not because I think anyone is interested, but so I can hold myself accountable.

This is an ideal day for me. I know that I have a lot more snacks in the evening than a lot of people, but this is the worst day part for me. By planning ahead what I'm going to eat in the evening, I'm hoping to avoid unplanned binges. Yay for a successful day 1!

Moving the Focus From Not Smoking to Healthy and Controlled Eating

Okay, it's now been 16 days of not smoking. The last two days have probably been the toughest because I've had to deal with some weird cravings. I'm not surprised, I'm a veteran at quitting smoking and I have experienced this before. Just when you think all is good and you've beaten the addiction, out of the blue comes that voice from within with all sorts of reasons why it would be okay to smoke. I can handle it this time because I don't want to go back there. #1 - I can't afford to smoke, #2 - My cough is gone and I don't want it back, #3 - I don't want to disappoint my family and friends, #4 - I just don't want to be a smoker. Over the last 16 days, I have started each day out with good intentions of keeping my eating healthy and under 1500 calories. Really didn't happen. Every day, I would do great until after dinner. Then all hell broke loose. Today has been fairly good, but I haven't added up the calories:

Breakfast 
Coffee with milk
Whole Grain Toast with Reduced Fat Peanut Butter - 2 slices

Snack
Raw, Unsalted Nuts - 1 oz

Lunch
Reduced Sodium Deli Turkey Sandwich on Whole Wheat with Lettuce and Mayo
Organic Blue Corn Tortilla Chips with Flax Seeds
Fresh Organic Strawberries

Dinner
Wine (Cabernet)
Brown Rice
Chicken, Broccoli, Pearl Onion Stir Fry with Thai Peanut Sauce

Snack
Frozen Organic Raspberries (an entire small bag!)

Just like every night, after dinner I really started craving something sweet. I didn't have anything here. I thought about going to the store, but told myself if I could just get through one day without blowing it, I would feel good about staying in control. Once I get control of my eating and get a few good days under me, I find it easy to stay there. I am such an "all or nothing" person and always have been. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself and start logging calories, exercise and water intake. I want to lose this weight so bad.

Facing Life As A Nonsmoker

I quit smoking on April 28 so it's been 13 days! I'm now cutting a 21mg nicotine patch in half and wearing it from 7:00 am until I go to bed. Mainly so that I don't snap at someone at work or sit at my desk in a confused nicotine withdrawal haze. I have to say that it hasn't been too tough this time even taking into consideration that the stress has been higher than normal with a new job.

I don't think I've gained any weight over the last two weeks, but I certainly haven't lost any either. I do great until after dinner and then I start looking for something to snack on. Now that I feel I've conquered the smoking demon, I'm going to start focusing on eliminating the after dinner snacking and increasing my water intake.

I also need to get into a regular exercise routine. I've been walking on the weekends, but I need to do something during the week. I'd like to start getting up a little earlier and getting my lazy butt on my eliptical before work or if it's nice, walking or biking after work.

Overall, I'm very happy to be free from the smoking. My scary cough is gone and I'm no longer wheezing. And of course I'm very happy not to be spending $4.50 per day on cigarettes. Now if I can just get my act together and get rid of 50 pounds, I'll be a lot happier.

Last weekend, something came up that caught me off guard emotionally and I have to say ever since then, I randomly have thoughts about smoking to calm (or numb) my emotions. So far I have been able to push the temptation away and just deal with the emotions.

About four years ago, I dated a guy for a few months who had recently broken up a long term relationship. Yes, he was on the rebound. He ended up getting back together with her, but we remained on friendly terms and would talk occasionally on the phone. I usually didn't initiate the contact, he would just call out of the blue once in awhile. They finally got married last spring and he continues to call me every few months. Once in awhile, he would mention "stopping by" to see my new place, etc. and I would always say, "No". Absolutely No. So although we continued to talk once in awhile, I hadn't seen him since we stopped dating.

Last Saturday, he caught me off guard. The phone rang, I was expecting it to be my daughter, and it was him. He said he was playing golf and should stop by when he was done. Just as I have always done, I said, "No". But when he then suggested meeting in a restaurant, I agreed this time. I was not prepared for what this did to my emotions.We met in a restaurant, sat there for about an hour, went for a walk, then stood by our cars chatting for about 30 minutes, hugged each other and drove off to our separate lives. That was four days ago and I am still trying to stop thinking about him. Damn. This is where I start to think about smoking because I have always used smoking as a way to numb myself from unpleasant emotions. I guess I also use food the same way sometimes. The weird thing is that I didn't even realize I still had feelings for this man until Saturday. I'm still trying to sort all of this out and so far I haven't used it as an excuse to smoke again.I need to remind myself that the emotions will fade on their own over time, even without smoking.

An Answered Prayer

Sometimes we really don't realize just how bad things were until they get better. It is no surprise that the last year has been tough for me, but I thought I had handled losing my job pretty well. I had lined up a part-time job before being laid off, created a budget, stayed current with my bills, and tried to stay positive as I searched for a new job. But I also had started smoking again even though I knew it created serious problems with my lungs. I quit exercising and told myself lifting heavy items and bagging people's groceries as a cashier was enough. I'd spend a great majority of my free time just sitting at my computer. It became more and more difficult for me to get things done at home. I became more and more dependent on escaping to my balcony to smoke even though it had started robbing me of my health. I would go to bed at night wheezing and coughing and get up in the morning in even worse shape. Occasionally, I would realize that I was slipping into a depression, but without insurance felt helpless to do anything about it. The worst thing of all was the smoking. I knew it was killing me but I felt so helpless to do anything about it.

On Wednesday, April 28, my daughter came over for dinner. When she left, I went out to my balcony to smoke. I had 2 cigarettes left. I smoked them and decided in an instant that I was going to quit again. It was not a happy decision. I was full of fear and knew that there was a very good chance I would change my mind by the next morning. As I laid in bed before falling asleep, I began to plead with God to give me strength to do this. I remember saying over and over, "Please help me Lord".

The next morning, I got up and made coffee as I always do. But instead of going out to the balcony with my coffee to smoke, I put on a nicotine patch and sat down at my computer with my coffee. I felt happy and at peace. When I came home from work that night and felt that same sense of peace, I knew that my prayer had been answered.

I am now into my fourth day of not smoking. That in itself is wonderful. The burning and wheezing in my lungs is gone. The cough is getting better every day as my lungs begin to heal. But what is even more amazing is how I feel mentally. I feel like my spirit has been renewed. Now, as I lay in bed before falling asleep, my prayer is one of thanks.

I'm loving my new full-time job and just working Monday through Friday. It was difficult to leave my part-time job because it was so important to me over the last year and they were so good to me. It's been so long since I had a weekend off and I'm loving every minute of it. Yesterday, I went out for a 1-1/2 hour walk and it was wonderful! I used to walk a lot but stopped when I started the cashier job. Below is a picture I took on my walk.

Today, I'm going to buy flowers for my balcony, clean and get ready for my week. If I have time, I'll take a shorter walk or go for a bike ride. I have to say though that I have some sore muscles from yesterday!

Have a great day!

Feeling thankful, Diana

Back To Work - My First Week

I love my new job and I am very thankful to be back at work in an office! Although I am also very thankful for the part-time job I've had through my entire period of unemployment, cashiering at SuperT... is not how I wanted to spend the rest of my career. I wondered how long it would take me to get back into the swing of things - getting up early, wearing something other than just red and khaki and being challenged mentally. It was a little odd because I started the new job before I had completed my obligation to T..... I worked at the new job Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday I worked at T......, and then I went back to my new job Thursday and Friday. That was weird. I felt like two different people living two different lives. I think I'm really going to enjoy my new position. The people are nice and the work will be very challenging and interesting. I am working for a nationwide brokerage company that represents food lines.

Speaking of food, my diet this past week has been less than ideal. I had a spinach smoothie every morning for breakfast and my lunches weren't bad, but when I got home every night, I had a glass of wine and it went downhill from there. After dinner, I would find myself craving sweets so I ate things like Chocolate Cheerios and Sugar Free Fudgsicles. There was absolutely no tracking of calories. I need to make a plan and follow it. I also need to skip the wine so I can get some exercise in - either walking or a bike ride.

Now to address my other health issue - the smoking. What I've done over the last week could be called, "The Creative Addict", lol. As I got closer to my first day of work and still had not been able to successfully quit smoking, I began to panic. I felt backed into a corner. I couldn't quit smoking the day before starting a new job because there would be no room for irritability or the fuzzy brain that goes along with it in the beginning. But standing outside the office building smoking several times per day was absolutely not an option either. What to do? I bought a package of T..... brand 21 mg nicotine patches which are less expensive than the major brand. Every morning, I got up and made coffee then headed outside on my balcony a few times to smoke. Then I would shower, put on the patch and head to work. All day, I was fine with the patch and really didn't think about smoking. Mainly because smoking and this job had never been linked. Then I would leave at 4:30 and get in my car and drive home. The very first thing I did when I got home was rip off the patch and yes, head out to the balcony. Each day, I repeated this. Right now it works for me, but this is obviously not an ideal situation. The plan is to get through the first few weeks and then move to having the patch on the entire day without smoking. A smoker will read this and completely get it. An exsmoker will read this and be thankful they're free. A nonsmoker will read this and think I'm crazy. I hope that someday I will read this again and see it all three ways.

Excuses and the Power of Addiction

Please excuse my absence, but I have spent the last few days in denial, lol. Yes, I did quit smoking last Sunday and I went to buy my bike on Monday. By Monday afternoon, I had convinced myself that it was okay to smoke just a few more days because I don't start my new job until April 12. I made the mistake of not immediately cleaning up my smoking area, which is outside on my balcony. Anyone who has ever been a smoker knows that even a cigarette butt with just a little bit left is tempting when you have gone without. Gross, but sadly true. And of course that led to making a trip to the store. I have managed to get a lot done the last few days including some much needed household cleaning and organization, buying a few new outfits for work, and working at my part-time job. As I write this, I glance into my package of cigarettes and see that I have four cigarettes left. The first thing I am going to do when they are gone is get rid of any smoking evidence on my balcony. Lesson learned. So now, looking forward, today is a new day and I'm off to a good start.

I weighed in this morning for Tammy's Weight Loss Challenge at 174 pounds, which is a loss of 1 pound for the week. Not great, but I really wasn't expecting a loss, so I'll take it. I started the day off with coffee and my favorite breakfast - a green (literally!) smoothie made in my blender. The ingredients vary, but today's included water, splash of 1% milk, fresh spinach, flax seeds, green tea leaves, whole apple, and frozen mango. Here it is in all its green glory:

Once it warms up a little bit today, I plan to take out my new bike for its second ride. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't make it too far the first day before I was exhausted. Thanks to my cashier job, my upper body strength is great, but my lower body has suffered. Here is a picture of my new ride:

I will be updating this post at the end of the day with my progress on not smoking, controlled, healthy eating and bike ride number two! Thank you and a big hug to everyone who has been supporting me as I climb out of my black hole :)

It's not the end of the day, but I'm back with some updates. I took the blue beauty out for a ride in 50-degree sunshine and went about one mile further than the first ride. I even included one more mini hill, whew. These legs need to build some strength. I wonder if any of the passing motorists noticed my red face and heavy breathing?

I just ate lunch which was a salad with baby romaine, carrot, avocado, sunflower seeds, grated parmesan and caesar dressing. Not my favorite mix, but I need to get to the store for some more fresh veggies.

Then, I was out to the balcony for the last cigarette. Learning from a past recent mistake, I'm headed out there momentarily to purge any evidence that I was ever a smoker.

About The Smoking

I had my last cigarette today about 3:30 pm. It's now 9:30 pm and I am calm and at peace. (Thank you, nicotine patches) I'm going to bed soon because I'm looking at a busy and exciting day tomorrow. I'm making a plan because I have been down the quit smoking road before and I know it can get ugly. I have no room in my life right now for ugly. So here we go:

• Coffee
• Call and cancel an interview due to accepting another job last week
• Enjoy a spinach & fruit smoothie on my balcony
• Go to my new employer for drug test and paperwork
• Home for a healthy lunch and to change clothes
• Go buy my bike!
• Take it for a ride, if time permits
• Submit online unemployment claim for the last time!
• Pay bills online
• Go to my part-time job

I have been smoking again for one year.  Long enough to do damage (chronic cough), but not so long that I can't remember how happy and content I was as a non-smoker for three years. When things get crazy and the panic sets in, I'm going to sit or lie down, close my eyes, take slow deep breaths and visualize myself happy and healthy without smoking. I may even find some meditation music on itunes tomorrow to put on my ipod. The most wonderful thing I remember about not smoking was the freedom. Today I have taken the first step toward that freedom.

Seeing It Clearly

I often wonder why no matter how good things are going, I can find the negative. Why I can seem so confident to others, but on the inside I am full of self doubt and sometimes even self hate. The answer became quite clear this morning. I woke up this Easter morning very tired from my 8 hour shift yesterday scanning and bagging groceries on one of the biggest food holidays of the year. But I was happy and at peace. Excited because I'm going to buy myself an early birthday present tomorrow - a new bike. And excited about my new job. I called my parents who I will be seeing later today when we go over there for Easter just to wish them a happy Easter and let them know what time my daughter and I will be there. My dad answered the phone and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hi Dad, Happy Easter!
Dad: Happy Easter
Me: Guess What! I decided I'm going to buy a new bike as an early birthday present to myself!
Dad: Oh. What happened to your old bike?
Me: It's broken, 15 years old and would cost more to repair than a new bike
Dad: Oh.
Me: It will be great. A great thing to do as I quit smoking. Today is my last day smoking!
Dad: Oh. Are you going to use the patch?
Me: Yes
Dad: Don't you have to take a drug test tomorrow, what about that? What if they see you have nicotine in your system?

Can you see what happened here? Diana, feeling excited and positive. In two minutes, Dad takes away all of Diana's joy. Makes her feel guilty about buying a bike. Makes her feel guilty and afraid about quitting smoking and using the patch. Makes her feel fearful about her new job. And quite frankly ruins her Easter.

Phone conversation ends with Diana in tears and wondering how she will pull herself together before her daughter comes over so she doesn't ruin her Easter.

ETA: I'm happy to say that Easter was NOT ruined. I pulled it together, told my daughter what happened when she came over, but also assured her there would be nothing said when we went over there. As it turns out, my Dad hugged me right away and all was forgiven and forgotten. Yes, I do know where I get my negative tendencies, but I also know where he got them from. In the future when this happens, I would like to be able to stay in the positive and just not acknowledge that he's being negative.

A New Focus - Health

Now that I am not having to focus on finding a job, I can concentrate on improving my health by losing weight, getting fit and yes, quitting my smoking habit. See how ashamed I am about smoking? I can't even stand to see the word in a normal-size font. Am I taking on too much by wanting to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time? No. I've done it before. I was so into tracking my calories and weight loss that I distracted myself from the agony of quitting smoking.

Today, I am laying out my plan:

• I have joined Tammy's Summer Challenge to lose 10 pounds by the end of April
• I have a pack and a half of cigarettes left - when they're gone, I'm done
• I will record my calories, weight, exercise, and water consumption into my super duper Excel file
• I will concentrate on eating a healthy 1500 calories per day
• I will regularly post my progress on this blog
• I will reintroduce myself to my eliptical and get outside and walk at least a few times per week
• I will resume going to bed with Jon Gabriel - his effect on my subconscious is amazing (if you click on the link, the keyword is "heart")

I really look forward to regaining my health. I had quit smoking for three years and started again one year ago due to stress. If only I'd realized that the stress of being a smoker was worse than the stress that led me to start again. So true with eating, too. The stress after eating too much is worse for me than the stress of going without.

A Job!

Yes, I finally got an offer for a job. Obviously I'm feeling very happy and thankful - relieved. But I'm also reflecting on the last year of my life because so many things have become clear to me over the last two weeks. It's so interesting that you can be stuck in a situation and not really see it clearly until you get to the other side. Two weeks ago, I lost faith for a few days. I had prayed to God about a certain job that I thought was perfect for me. My family prayed for me because they know how much I wanted it. I didn't get the job. I couldn't understand why God was letting this happen to me. Over the last year, I had interviewed for six jobs that I didn't get even though I was very qualified. God had different plans for me. Within a little more than one week, I received an offer for a different job. God always hears our prayers, but we don't always get an answer when we want it. So many people told me during this time, "Just keep trying, you'll eventually get a job". At some point, I stopped agreeing with them. I really had come to believe that I would never work in my occupation again. At the age of 50, I felt old, useless and hopeless. My decision to name this blog "A Worthy Purpose" gives a glimpse into what I was searching for at the time I created it. There are so many people in this country right now that I know are feeling the same sense of hopelessness. I pray that everyone who has gone through the heartache of losing their job will eventually find their own worthy purpose. Even more important, I pray that they will have faith and hope. We never know what is around the corner.

Feeling Positive

I survived yet another interview and some tests, and the thank yous are sent. I will know by tomorrow morning if my interview was successful in getting the position. The HR manager said many things that led me to believe an offer is coming, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel so confident that I am in celebration mode, but I am trying not to go there...yet. This has been such a long road, or should I say, rollercoaster ride. I have to say that this long period of unemployment has been good for me in many ways. I have learned:

• More about myself
• Not to take things for granted
• That I can survive, even in the worst of times
• That life isn't all about the money
• To have more compassion for those who are stuck in poverty and without hope
• Who my friends are
• How much my family loves me
• How much God loves me
• The importance of faith, hope and love

Tired and Interview Jitters

I came home last night from my part-time job close to midnight knowing that I needed to get up by 7:00 am today for a telephone interview at 9:00 am. Since I don't work today, I had planned to spend the entire day preparing for an intense interview I have scheduled with another company on Monday. I was not prepared to be asked during the phone interview if I could come in later in the day for testing and an in-person interview. I'm feeling a little frazzled because my Excel test will be on the 2007 version and I have been using 2003. Huge differences between the two. I'm also taking a data entry test and let's just say I'm accurate, but not fast. Yikes! Also would be better if I'd had a little more sleep last night. But it is what it is and I'm attempting to calm myself and build confidence before I start getting ready.

There Is A Reason Assume Begins With Ass

I woke up this morning in a much more positive mood. As I drank my morning coffee while on the computer, I decided to send my daughter an email at work thanking her again for bringing me flowers last night. The email she sent me in response was so touching, I was at a loss as to how to respond.

Hi!
You're very welcome! I wanted to remind you of how much I love you and I thought you needed something to brighten up your day. I know how hard this time has been for you and I pray constantly for strength for you to continue pushing forward when it feels almost impossible. It’s so hard to understand why everything is working out this way but I guess the only thing we can do it try to understand that everything happens for a reason and that eventually this will make sense. I also want to tell you that I have never ever seen you as a failure and I hope you do not think that at all. Growing up and seeing your strength and how hard you work has helped me get to where I am today. Just keep doing all that you can and everything will pay off! I love you so much!

These are the things in life that really matter. After my most recent interview resulted in yet another rejection, I really started feeling like a failure. I divorced my husband when my daughter was not even two for reasons to horrible to write about here. I raised her by myself and always worked fulltime. My world has always revolved around her and being able to be self sufficient. She is on her own now, but this past week more than ever, I really started to feel hopeless. I am facing the very real possibility of having to move from my very nice apartment that I just moved into three years ago to a not so very nice apartment that would be half the rent of what I'm paying now. If I don't find a fulltime job by the end of the summer, I'm going to be forced to find a second part-time retail job in addition to the one I have now and work 50-60 hours per week just to make ends meet. I can do that, and will do that if I need to. But while I was worried that she saw me as a failure, she was praying for me to find strength. Lesson learned - sometimes we project our own feelings about ourselves to others, assuming they feel a certain way about us.

I worked until 10:00 tonight and came home to find two more surprises. The first one was a voice mail from a guy friend of mine who was also unemployed until about one month ago. Since he went back to work, we have kind of lost touch, unless I call him. Can you guess where I went with this? I assumed he didn't care because I was always the one calling him. So I didn't call for awhile. And much to my surprise, he called to see how I was doing. After I listened to the voicemail, I sat down at my computer and there was my third surprise.

Two months ago, I sent a resume to a blind job posting on Craigslist. (I do not recommend doing this - most of the postings are scams) This eventually led to a phone interview and it turns out it was for a position at a subsidiary of a company I worked for years ago. The interviewer said she would be back in touch within 1-2 weeks. Two weeks go by and she sends me an email letting me know there is a second position she would also like to consider me for. She asks me to apply on the company website. I call to follow up with her and she says it has to go through HR, etc. and she hoped to get back in touch to schedule an interview. I hear nothing for a very long time so I assume (there's that word again) that I am no longer being considered. Tonight there was an email from her asking if I was still interested in one of the positions, and could I come in for an interview next week.

Three times in one day I am reminded why the word "Assume" begins with "Ass". Before today, I assumed my daughter viewed me as a failure, my friend didn't care and the company no longer was interested. I really need to get a grip on keeping my thoughts more positive.

Finally, today was a good eating day. I started the day off with a spinach and fruit smoothie and made wise choices throughout the day.

A Different Perspective

This past week has been a struggle for me emotionally. In fact, I created this blog when I was at probably the lowest point since I lost my job last year. I have tried to remain positive about my situation. I am certainly not the only person struggling right now and I know things could be a lot worse. When I read my previous posts, I saw a pattern. Do I really want to end my day by posting about how difficult things are every single day??? And does anyone else really want to read about someone who is having a bad day every single day???  This is an online journal and one purpose is for me to externalize some of the crap I'm experiencing and feeling right now. It's not fair for me to dump on my parents, daughter, friends and coworkers. But there has to be a balance. So from now on, even when I am completely discouraged, I am going to find at least one thing to write about every day that made me smile, laugh or reminded me that life is good.

The biggest blessing in my life always has been, and always will be, my beautiful 22-year old daughter, Christi. She graduated from college last May, lived with me until December, and is now working for a great company and living in an apartment with two friends. She stopped over tonight after working out at the club just to get her bike. When I opened the door, she was standing there with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I hope she could see the look of love and joy on my face when she handed them to me.

I'm still unemployed and still chubby. Tomorrow, I will once again search the internet for jobs and struggle with eating healthy,  but I will also be looking for the good things and counting my blessings.

This Is Going To Be A Process

I'm struggling. Somehow, someway, I need to rise above the feeling of failure I find myself enveloped in lately. When I show up at my part-time job and my coworkers ask if I got the job I interviewed for and I say,"No", I can't help but feel like a failure. This scenario has been repeated more than once over the last year. I know that I am not alone. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. But rejection is not easy for me to take. I beat myself up enough and when others join in, well...

Yesterday I had big plans for myself but I just can't seem to pull myself out of this black hole. The latest failure to get the job hit me hard because I was perfectly qualified for the position. And to make it worse, they didn't even have enough respect for me to let me know they selected someone else.

Today, I'm going to be easy on myself and not put expectations out there that I know I'm not capable of. I will try to make smart choices with food and do just a little bit around here before I go to my part-time job for eight hours. Enough so that I know I made some progress.

Maybe the most any of us can expect of ourselves isn't perfection but progress.
~ Michelle Burford

It's All About Choices

Today, I'm going to give myself a good kick in the butt because I deserve it! Yes, there are unfortunate things that have happened to me recently that I have no control over and cannot change. Life is tough right now but I also know it could be a lot worse. I see myself at a crossroad. The road I've been on will lead to helplessness and despair. It's a road of complacency. I know that it's not in my best interest to continue coasting down this road. Today, I choose to take the other road; the road of change! It doesn't have to be drastic. Even if I choose to make a few small changes today, I will be headed in the right direction.

This morning, my weight was 176 pounds. I am only 5' 3" and have a small frame. Ideally, I would like to weigh 115 pounds. Today, I am going to work on self discipline. I'm going to track my calories and keep them between 1200-1500. I'm also going to work on my neglected home which is really showing my emotional state over the last week.

Discipline is remembering what you want.
~ David Campbell

The Last Year

Most of my time and energy over the last year has been directed to my 30 hour per week retail cashier job and looking for a full-time job to replace the one I lost in April 2009. When this first happened, I spent a lot of time figuring out the financial aspects. I decided I would keep my part-time job and collect unemployment, even though 55% of my part-time wages are deducted from my unemployment payments. Even so, that still gives me a little bit more money than just straight unemployment. Not to mention the fact that for that 30 hours per week, I am out of the house and around people. I immediately cut living expenses wherever I could and have been able to stay current with my bills. I absolutely hate collecting unemployment and have tried and tried again to find a fulltime job. I have had more than several interviews for positions that I was very qualified for only to hear, "We have selected another candidate". As time goes on, I am convinced that my age/appearance is directly related. Being almost 51 and 50 pounds overweight is NOT helping me. I have advanced computer and administrative skills, decent interviewing skills, wear a nice suit, and show up smiling and friendly. I always follow up with a professional thank you email. But I don't get the job. The only card I haven't played is the appearance card. This blog is the first step in my preparation to play that card. I am going to lose 50 + pounds through diet and exercise and blog my progress.

The Beginning

Months before I turned fifty, I began to fear losing my job as an administrative assistant. I was making a good salary and although there were things about the job I didn't like, I had learned to overlook them. When I began to have too many sleepless nights worrying about losing my job, I decided to take on an additional part-time job at a well-known large discount retailer. From November of 2008 until the end of April 2009, I was working 55-60 hours per week and saving every penny I earned from my new part-time job. The day they told me my administrative assistant position had been eliminated, which was three days after I turned fifty, I was hurt, but not surprised. Looking back, I had no idea that being over fifty would make it so difficult to find another job.