Back To Work - My First Week

I love my new job and I am very thankful to be back at work in an office! Although I am also very thankful for the part-time job I've had through my entire period of unemployment, cashiering at SuperT... is not how I wanted to spend the rest of my career. I wondered how long it would take me to get back into the swing of things - getting up early, wearing something other than just red and khaki and being challenged mentally. It was a little odd because I started the new job before I had completed my obligation to T..... I worked at the new job Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday I worked at T......, and then I went back to my new job Thursday and Friday. That was weird. I felt like two different people living two different lives. I think I'm really going to enjoy my new position. The people are nice and the work will be very challenging and interesting. I am working for a nationwide brokerage company that represents food lines.

Speaking of food, my diet this past week has been less than ideal. I had a spinach smoothie every morning for breakfast and my lunches weren't bad, but when I got home every night, I had a glass of wine and it went downhill from there. After dinner, I would find myself craving sweets so I ate things like Chocolate Cheerios and Sugar Free Fudgsicles. There was absolutely no tracking of calories. I need to make a plan and follow it. I also need to skip the wine so I can get some exercise in - either walking or a bike ride.

Now to address my other health issue - the smoking. What I've done over the last week could be called, "The Creative Addict", lol. As I got closer to my first day of work and still had not been able to successfully quit smoking, I began to panic. I felt backed into a corner. I couldn't quit smoking the day before starting a new job because there would be no room for irritability or the fuzzy brain that goes along with it in the beginning. But standing outside the office building smoking several times per day was absolutely not an option either. What to do? I bought a package of T..... brand 21 mg nicotine patches which are less expensive than the major brand. Every morning, I got up and made coffee then headed outside on my balcony a few times to smoke. Then I would shower, put on the patch and head to work. All day, I was fine with the patch and really didn't think about smoking. Mainly because smoking and this job had never been linked. Then I would leave at 4:30 and get in my car and drive home. The very first thing I did when I got home was rip off the patch and yes, head out to the balcony. Each day, I repeated this. Right now it works for me, but this is obviously not an ideal situation. The plan is to get through the first few weeks and then move to having the patch on the entire day without smoking. A smoker will read this and completely get it. An exsmoker will read this and be thankful they're free. A nonsmoker will read this and think I'm crazy. I hope that someday I will read this again and see it all three ways.

Excuses and the Power of Addiction

Please excuse my absence, but I have spent the last few days in denial, lol. Yes, I did quit smoking last Sunday and I went to buy my bike on Monday. By Monday afternoon, I had convinced myself that it was okay to smoke just a few more days because I don't start my new job until April 12. I made the mistake of not immediately cleaning up my smoking area, which is outside on my balcony. Anyone who has ever been a smoker knows that even a cigarette butt with just a little bit left is tempting when you have gone without. Gross, but sadly true. And of course that led to making a trip to the store. I have managed to get a lot done the last few days including some much needed household cleaning and organization, buying a few new outfits for work, and working at my part-time job. As I write this, I glance into my package of cigarettes and see that I have four cigarettes left. The first thing I am going to do when they are gone is get rid of any smoking evidence on my balcony. Lesson learned. So now, looking forward, today is a new day and I'm off to a good start.

I weighed in this morning for Tammy's Weight Loss Challenge at 174 pounds, which is a loss of 1 pound for the week. Not great, but I really wasn't expecting a loss, so I'll take it. I started the day off with coffee and my favorite breakfast - a green (literally!) smoothie made in my blender. The ingredients vary, but today's included water, splash of 1% milk, fresh spinach, flax seeds, green tea leaves, whole apple, and frozen mango. Here it is in all its green glory:

Once it warms up a little bit today, I plan to take out my new bike for its second ride. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't make it too far the first day before I was exhausted. Thanks to my cashier job, my upper body strength is great, but my lower body has suffered. Here is a picture of my new ride:

I will be updating this post at the end of the day with my progress on not smoking, controlled, healthy eating and bike ride number two! Thank you and a big hug to everyone who has been supporting me as I climb out of my black hole :)

It's not the end of the day, but I'm back with some updates. I took the blue beauty out for a ride in 50-degree sunshine and went about one mile further than the first ride. I even included one more mini hill, whew. These legs need to build some strength. I wonder if any of the passing motorists noticed my red face and heavy breathing?

I just ate lunch which was a salad with baby romaine, carrot, avocado, sunflower seeds, grated parmesan and caesar dressing. Not my favorite mix, but I need to get to the store for some more fresh veggies.

Then, I was out to the balcony for the last cigarette. Learning from a past recent mistake, I'm headed out there momentarily to purge any evidence that I was ever a smoker.

About The Smoking

I had my last cigarette today about 3:30 pm. It's now 9:30 pm and I am calm and at peace. (Thank you, nicotine patches) I'm going to bed soon because I'm looking at a busy and exciting day tomorrow. I'm making a plan because I have been down the quit smoking road before and I know it can get ugly. I have no room in my life right now for ugly. So here we go:

• Coffee
• Call and cancel an interview due to accepting another job last week
• Enjoy a spinach & fruit smoothie on my balcony
• Go to my new employer for drug test and paperwork
• Home for a healthy lunch and to change clothes
• Go buy my bike!
• Take it for a ride, if time permits
• Submit online unemployment claim for the last time!
• Pay bills online
• Go to my part-time job

I have been smoking again for one year.  Long enough to do damage (chronic cough), but not so long that I can't remember how happy and content I was as a non-smoker for three years. When things get crazy and the panic sets in, I'm going to sit or lie down, close my eyes, take slow deep breaths and visualize myself happy and healthy without smoking. I may even find some meditation music on itunes tomorrow to put on my ipod. The most wonderful thing I remember about not smoking was the freedom. Today I have taken the first step toward that freedom.

Seeing It Clearly

I often wonder why no matter how good things are going, I can find the negative. Why I can seem so confident to others, but on the inside I am full of self doubt and sometimes even self hate. The answer became quite clear this morning. I woke up this Easter morning very tired from my 8 hour shift yesterday scanning and bagging groceries on one of the biggest food holidays of the year. But I was happy and at peace. Excited because I'm going to buy myself an early birthday present tomorrow - a new bike. And excited about my new job. I called my parents who I will be seeing later today when we go over there for Easter just to wish them a happy Easter and let them know what time my daughter and I will be there. My dad answered the phone and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hi Dad, Happy Easter!
Dad: Happy Easter
Me: Guess What! I decided I'm going to buy a new bike as an early birthday present to myself!
Dad: Oh. What happened to your old bike?
Me: It's broken, 15 years old and would cost more to repair than a new bike
Dad: Oh.
Me: It will be great. A great thing to do as I quit smoking. Today is my last day smoking!
Dad: Oh. Are you going to use the patch?
Me: Yes
Dad: Don't you have to take a drug test tomorrow, what about that? What if they see you have nicotine in your system?

Can you see what happened here? Diana, feeling excited and positive. In two minutes, Dad takes away all of Diana's joy. Makes her feel guilty about buying a bike. Makes her feel guilty and afraid about quitting smoking and using the patch. Makes her feel fearful about her new job. And quite frankly ruins her Easter.

Phone conversation ends with Diana in tears and wondering how she will pull herself together before her daughter comes over so she doesn't ruin her Easter.

ETA: I'm happy to say that Easter was NOT ruined. I pulled it together, told my daughter what happened when she came over, but also assured her there would be nothing said when we went over there. As it turns out, my Dad hugged me right away and all was forgiven and forgotten. Yes, I do know where I get my negative tendencies, but I also know where he got them from. In the future when this happens, I would like to be able to stay in the positive and just not acknowledge that he's being negative.

A New Focus - Health

Now that I am not having to focus on finding a job, I can concentrate on improving my health by losing weight, getting fit and yes, quitting my smoking habit. See how ashamed I am about smoking? I can't even stand to see the word in a normal-size font. Am I taking on too much by wanting to quit smoking and lose weight at the same time? No. I've done it before. I was so into tracking my calories and weight loss that I distracted myself from the agony of quitting smoking.

Today, I am laying out my plan:

• I have joined Tammy's Summer Challenge to lose 10 pounds by the end of April
• I have a pack and a half of cigarettes left - when they're gone, I'm done
• I will record my calories, weight, exercise, and water consumption into my super duper Excel file
• I will concentrate on eating a healthy 1500 calories per day
• I will regularly post my progress on this blog
• I will reintroduce myself to my eliptical and get outside and walk at least a few times per week
• I will resume going to bed with Jon Gabriel - his effect on my subconscious is amazing (if you click on the link, the keyword is "heart")

I really look forward to regaining my health. I had quit smoking for three years and started again one year ago due to stress. If only I'd realized that the stress of being a smoker was worse than the stress that led me to start again. So true with eating, too. The stress after eating too much is worse for me than the stress of going without.

A Job!

Yes, I finally got an offer for a job. Obviously I'm feeling very happy and thankful - relieved. But I'm also reflecting on the last year of my life because so many things have become clear to me over the last two weeks. It's so interesting that you can be stuck in a situation and not really see it clearly until you get to the other side. Two weeks ago, I lost faith for a few days. I had prayed to God about a certain job that I thought was perfect for me. My family prayed for me because they know how much I wanted it. I didn't get the job. I couldn't understand why God was letting this happen to me. Over the last year, I had interviewed for six jobs that I didn't get even though I was very qualified. God had different plans for me. Within a little more than one week, I received an offer for a different job. God always hears our prayers, but we don't always get an answer when we want it. So many people told me during this time, "Just keep trying, you'll eventually get a job". At some point, I stopped agreeing with them. I really had come to believe that I would never work in my occupation again. At the age of 50, I felt old, useless and hopeless. My decision to name this blog "A Worthy Purpose" gives a glimpse into what I was searching for at the time I created it. There are so many people in this country right now that I know are feeling the same sense of hopelessness. I pray that everyone who has gone through the heartache of losing their job will eventually find their own worthy purpose. Even more important, I pray that they will have faith and hope. We never know what is around the corner.

Feeling Positive

I survived yet another interview and some tests, and the thank yous are sent. I will know by tomorrow morning if my interview was successful in getting the position. The HR manager said many things that led me to believe an offer is coming, but I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel so confident that I am in celebration mode, but I am trying not to go there...yet. This has been such a long road, or should I say, rollercoaster ride. I have to say that this long period of unemployment has been good for me in many ways. I have learned:

• More about myself
• Not to take things for granted
• That I can survive, even in the worst of times
• That life isn't all about the money
• To have more compassion for those who are stuck in poverty and without hope
• Who my friends are
• How much my family loves me
• How much God loves me
• The importance of faith, hope and love

Tired and Interview Jitters

I came home last night from my part-time job close to midnight knowing that I needed to get up by 7:00 am today for a telephone interview at 9:00 am. Since I don't work today, I had planned to spend the entire day preparing for an intense interview I have scheduled with another company on Monday. I was not prepared to be asked during the phone interview if I could come in later in the day for testing and an in-person interview. I'm feeling a little frazzled because my Excel test will be on the 2007 version and I have been using 2003. Huge differences between the two. I'm also taking a data entry test and let's just say I'm accurate, but not fast. Yikes! Also would be better if I'd had a little more sleep last night. But it is what it is and I'm attempting to calm myself and build confidence before I start getting ready.