Facing Life As A Nonsmoker

I quit smoking on April 28 so it's been 13 days! I'm now cutting a 21mg nicotine patch in half and wearing it from 7:00 am until I go to bed. Mainly so that I don't snap at someone at work or sit at my desk in a confused nicotine withdrawal haze. I have to say that it hasn't been too tough this time even taking into consideration that the stress has been higher than normal with a new job.

I don't think I've gained any weight over the last two weeks, but I certainly haven't lost any either. I do great until after dinner and then I start looking for something to snack on. Now that I feel I've conquered the smoking demon, I'm going to start focusing on eliminating the after dinner snacking and increasing my water intake.

I also need to get into a regular exercise routine. I've been walking on the weekends, but I need to do something during the week. I'd like to start getting up a little earlier and getting my lazy butt on my eliptical before work or if it's nice, walking or biking after work.

Overall, I'm very happy to be free from the smoking. My scary cough is gone and I'm no longer wheezing. And of course I'm very happy not to be spending $4.50 per day on cigarettes. Now if I can just get my act together and get rid of 50 pounds, I'll be a lot happier.

Last weekend, something came up that caught me off guard emotionally and I have to say ever since then, I randomly have thoughts about smoking to calm (or numb) my emotions. So far I have been able to push the temptation away and just deal with the emotions.

About four years ago, I dated a guy for a few months who had recently broken up a long term relationship. Yes, he was on the rebound. He ended up getting back together with her, but we remained on friendly terms and would talk occasionally on the phone. I usually didn't initiate the contact, he would just call out of the blue once in awhile. They finally got married last spring and he continues to call me every few months. Once in awhile, he would mention "stopping by" to see my new place, etc. and I would always say, "No". Absolutely No. So although we continued to talk once in awhile, I hadn't seen him since we stopped dating.

Last Saturday, he caught me off guard. The phone rang, I was expecting it to be my daughter, and it was him. He said he was playing golf and should stop by when he was done. Just as I have always done, I said, "No". But when he then suggested meeting in a restaurant, I agreed this time. I was not prepared for what this did to my emotions.We met in a restaurant, sat there for about an hour, went for a walk, then stood by our cars chatting for about 30 minutes, hugged each other and drove off to our separate lives. That was four days ago and I am still trying to stop thinking about him. Damn. This is where I start to think about smoking because I have always used smoking as a way to numb myself from unpleasant emotions. I guess I also use food the same way sometimes. The weird thing is that I didn't even realize I still had feelings for this man until Saturday. I'm still trying to sort all of this out and so far I haven't used it as an excuse to smoke again.I need to remind myself that the emotions will fade on their own over time, even without smoking.